Black Friday

my fish is dying. I tried to mend her fins like water wings but I think I failed. all this failing is killing me. all these parking tickets. all this driving on the freeway after all the wine with my phone all out of juice and not caring to find my way home. what is home without you. hardwood floors and a dying fish. silence and a chandelier.

at the party I smoked cigarettes and played werewolf. kept my mouth shut. the boys scared me for the first time ever but I killed them all in their sleep. there were plenty of glasses and shadows of you but not the right shadows and nothing you enough. had you been there I would have been nervous you’d shoot someone. I would have drunk too much to quell my fear of riots. you would’ve paid my parking ticket. I would have kissed you through the bars of your cage. you would’ve pulled me close and told me I was your favorite. the wine would have spilled us.

but anyway you weren’t there, nor will you maybe ever be again and I can’t figure out how to swallow that so I try more wine and I curse my god for my dying fish and my parking tickets and this damned broken heart I broke all by myself. go to bed. strike a deal with god. in the dream your arms are ribbons wrapped around me. I am the scissors. dream of falling in the ocean with unbroken wings.

this is black friday and the end of the world. this is my head on a chopping block and my heart in the dirt. I don’t know how to stop. if this is love then this is the end. this is a game of bullshit. these are your eyes across the table in the cold light. this is you behind your sunglasses saying see you around. these are your hands across your heart. this is your face in my hair. if I made the world I would tie you around me. this is black friday and everything has failed. this is you in montreal while the rain comes down in LA. this is the loneliness of a dying fish. this is everything in wax paper, the ribbons I cut and threw away. I doubted everything. this is not the end. this is the end of something.

iI could have given you everything but I didn’t. this is just a dream I made of your arms and I need to listen now for real. I need to hear what you said. if you came back with bright eyes I would fall into them with wild wings and never look back. I cannot bear the silence or the dream. I must stop looking backwards. I must bury my fish. I heard what you said. my wings are unbroken. I’ll see you around.

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