Halloween

somewhere in the storm I let go of your hand and the wind whipped me against the wall and I lost sight of you. now it’s been such a long time but I am still following your scent. where are your shadows and what have they done?

so now you want to talk about ghosts. butcher pumpkins and paint your skin like bones. puh-lease. I wear black every day and face the east and wail in the faces of witches. I’m not scared of your blow-up plastic spiders. I don’t need to candy corn it or parade my wasted fool. I wake up every day to the freakshow on my pillow howling your name.

I drove past your house. it looked different. all the work they were doing, I guess it had to end sometime. your truck was there. it looked alive to me but then trucks always have. I was afraid it would recognize me and say something. I wanted to hug it so badly. the ghetto birds were circling and I thought you might hear them too. i thought we might have shared that.

I can’t chop tomatoes without thinking of you. the radio screams your code. I am haunted until I jerk out of bed to chase you down. I find it so hard to let go of your hair. don’t stay hiding in your closet, come out and play. no don’t, I will always forget it’s a game. better stay in and water the roses. best to keep our voices down. I’ll just smoke one more cigarette before I go.

I could have reached out and touched you. I could have said remember baby? this time last year when we were trying so hard and failing so gloriously. that night when I put on high heels and you wore a blue shirt and we looked like a couple. you know the kind you see and think they look right and even andy said you seem like you’ve been together forever. and it felt like we had but so much of it was broken from the start and strung together with wishbones.

when you miss me which pieces do you miss? I would like to know so I can send them to you to keep in the bottom drawer of the dresser I made you buy to prove your love. you could keep me with your soaps and your socks.

you had given me a present that day and lord knows I love a present. it doesn’t matter what it is. it was a purse. black leather and bright green inside. made in LA like neither of us. inside were pot candies and you were already high and sweet and loved me till i thought it would bust me open. but I held it together for dinner and put on my face and we went out into the wild with the top down and our hands cold and you said be careful not to hit any children.

remember baby?

and then how everything unraveled so gloriously. remember? teeth crumbling in my face, your eyes melting. I was holding up too many lies. who knows what you were holding up. I’ll get to say I’m sorry soon but I have yet to understand what for.

it’s halloween again and my hands are cold and my purse is full of something else. I whispered to your truck how much I miss you. that if I had any fight left I would tear up those steps to your door and hold your nightmare so hard you would forget how gloriously I had failed.

I’ll dream you at the party with all the others. your face will be hidden by some cheap mask but I’ll know you by the way you sit broad and hunched at the bar. you will disturb me but I’ll love you anyway. you will be rotten but I’ll want no one else. take my hand in the storm, whip me against the wall, never let me go.

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